10 Ways To Stop Being Possessive Every Couple Needs To Know

Being possessive over your partner can only damage a relationship. There are many reasons why people might feel possessive, including having trust issues, being jealous, or having low self-esteem. Here are some tips to keep things in perspective if you feel yourself or your partner spiraling into a possessive state.

1. Forget about the past.

Maybe you’ve been cheated on or lied to before, but this is a new relationship. Don’t let the past ruin what you have going for you now. Your partner is a different person than your ex, and deserves a fresh start. Not to mention, you’ll feel better if you let the past go! You can’t change anything that’s already happened, so release the past hurt and focus on the relationship you’re in now.

2. Don’t be overbearing.

The more you worry your partner doesn’t love you or isn’t being honest with you, the more you will push him or her away. No one wants to be with a needy person, so don’t pile all your fears and worries about love on your partner. Trust that they love you because they’re choosing to be in a relationship with you. Let them go out without you, and don’t give them the third degree when they come home. If you make your partner feel like they’ve done something bad even when they haven’t, they might wonder what it’s worth to be good.

3. Live your own life.

This goes hand in hand with not being overbearing. If you have your own job, your own hobbies, and your own social life, then you’ll be a more interesting person to your partner. It’s important to spend time together, of course, but it’s also fun to spend time apart and have different things to share and talk about when you’re together.

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4. Don’t let the green-eyed monster eat you alive.

Jealousy is not only a fast relationship killer, but it will make you feel bitter and hateful in your daily life. That green-eyed monster is quick to cut you down and make you feel worthless. Turn that attitude into something positive by realizing that your partner is with you because you’re a great, quality person all on your own. You don’t need to be jealous about anyone else they may be spending time with. Make sure you know your self-worth and realize that your partner is lucky to be with you.

5. Know each other’s friends.

A great way to keep from being jealous is to be familiar with each other’s social circles. If you know who your partner is spending time with, you’ll know there’s no reason to worry. An added bonus is that you might like their friends and want to spend time with them as well.

6. Don’t try to change your partner.

You knew who your partner was when you got involved in the relationship—why do you want to change him or her now? Telling yourself that the other person needs to change could just be your easy answer to any problem you might be having in the relationship.

7. Try to find the root of the problem.

Why do you feel possessive in your relationship? Whether it’s a fear from a past relationship, or even something that happened in childhood, you need to figure out what is causing you to feel and act this way. It will help you come to terms with your issue and conquer it, which in turn will make you feel better and will help future relationships.

8. Trust your partner (and yourself).

Often people feel insecure about others because they’re projecting something they see in themselves. You might worry that your partner flirts when he or she goes out with friends because you flirt when you go out with friends. If you trust yourself to only flirt and not go beyond that, you should be able to trust your partner to do the same—it’s only fair!

9. Don’t spy.

It’s OK to admit—everyone’s done it! Checking emails of an account that’s been left open, scrolling through sent text messages, perusing the browser history…It might seem normal and harmless, but it’s creating cracks in the relationship. You clearly think there’s something to find, and that hurts the trust you have (or should have) for your partner. Not to mention, it’s really awkward if they catch you! Keep yourself busy. Do something in another room while they’re on the phone so you’re not tempted to eavesdrop. Make sure you each sign out of your email accounts before leaving the computer. Over time, if you don’t have chances to spy, it will slip from your mind and you’ll stop feeling the urge to keep tabs on your partner.

10. Be open about your issues.

Tell your partner how you feel, without making it sound like you’re blaming them. Tell them about the issue from your past that makes it hard for you to trust. Tell them how you feel when they do certain things. Make sure you’re presenting things as an open dialog, not as a fight. If you’re open and honest about things that bother you, your partner is more likely to hear you out. If you’re both on the same page, it will help you to stop being possessive. Once everything is out in the open, you can start working through it—together!

6 Fastest Ways to Stop Being a Possessive

 

Learn how to stop treating your boyfriend like your personal property and go back to being the girlfriend of the year by reading our quick guide! By Minot Pettinato-Little

Jealousy is a headache, both to experience from a partner and to deal with on a personal level. It can turn you into the green-eyed-girlfriend you used to hate back when you were sane. Often, those who suffer from the “curse” can sometimes feel more like a lobotomy victim than a romantic partner while in a relationship.

It could be the way you were brought up, or because of insecurity and jealousy – regardless of your reasons, many people suffer from being overly-possessive in relationships. And in turn, the entire relationship suffers.

How to quit being so possessive

So what can you do when you feel like you’ve wandered down the road of the over-possessive girlfriend?

#1 Have a talk. You need to have an honest and open talk about your possessive attitude. If you truly love your partner and understand that you are being too possessive, tell him that. Your partner is going to be more understanding, if you are honest and if they can see that you acknowledge your possessive quality as a problem.

Often, the issue of being possessive has to do with lingering trust issues. If you don’t trust your partner, but you love them, you’re going to feel antsy about having them go out with other people and understandably will want them all to yourself. You will need to be completely open with your partner about these issues, if you ever wish to resolve them.

#2 If he cheats, there’s nothing you can do to stop him. This one is a hard pill to swallow, but if your jealousy has moved on to the point of being possessive then you need to acknowledge one hard fact: you can’t prevent him from cheating.

If a man is set out to cheat, he’ll find a way come hell or high water, and no amount of snooping, telling him “no”, tantalizing sex, thrilling conversations, or emotionally shared moments can prevent this from happening. He’s either going to be a good boy to you, or he isn’t. Acknowledging this, while terrifying, can actually allow you to let go of some of the anxiety you feel with regards to him being around other people.

All relationships are a risk. Take a risk and let your relationship grow instead of cutting it back before it has the chance to blossom. That’s not to say it’s okay if he does cheat. No, no, no! If he cheats, you kick him to the curb and never look back.

#3 Snoop it out of your system. If your possessive attitude means that you get full access to his phone, e-mails, Skype account and overall social media passwords, then you need to grab hold of this addiction and have one final hurrah.

Yes, snooping his social media accounts will let you feel in control and yes, you may get a sense of relief from being able to openly look at his private goings-on. But know this, if you only trust your man because you’re able to check his life behind closed doors, you will never really trust him.

Preventing someone from having a private life is wrong. It’s an invasion of privacy, and it shows a severe lack of respect for the partner that you claim to love. That being said, weaning yourself off of someone’s private socials can be hard. It’s addicting to watch the goings-on from the shadows, like your own personal soap opera. Not to mention it brings you comfort when you see that he hasn’t done anything wrong.

But you do want a relationship based on true trust, don’t you? If your fellah knows you snoop his socials, then tell him that you want to work on building back trust, and that in one week you want him to change all his passwords. Explain to him that you are really trying to change your possessive ways, and kindly request this as a security blanket until you’re adjusted to a non-snooper’s life. Taper down the frequency of your snooping sprees until you finally let go of that nasty habit.

#4 Do a role reversal. It may do you some good to swap the situations. Do you have male friends? If so, would you appreciate your boyfriend telling you that you weren’t allowed to see him any longer just because it didn’t sit well with your guy? As women tend to react emotionally to things, you may want to take a step back and look at the situation, if the roles were reversed. Remember, relationships are about trust and respect. Don’t dish it if you can’t take it.

#5 You had a past, they have a past. For those whose possessive attitude stems from jealousy, you’d do good to remember that he has a past, and so do you. You’ve both been with other people, both made mistakes, both had great sex, both had bad sex – so what? Remind yourself that this is a small part of your relationship now.

Take a night to yourself and go through your old photo-albums. Look at pictures of your ex from when you were 15-years-old, or from just a couple of years ago. This is your life, and you are entitled to your memories, just as he is entitled to his. So the next time you stumble across a sentimental trinket that he’s decided to keep around, take a breath, count to 10, and remember that it was this incredible past he lived that’s made him the incredible man you love today.

#6 Seek therapy. If you feel you’ve tried everything and you still can’t kick your bad habit, you may try seeking some form of therapy, such as couples counselling. And don’t just do it for your relationship, do it for yourself, too. Seeking therapy for deep rooted emotional issues can only help you down the road. Perhaps counselling won’t save this relationship from the damage that’s been done, but it may just prevent you from making the same problems in your next one.

Just because you’ve trotted down the road of the possessive girlfriend doesn’t mean you have to stay there. Take a good, hard look at the reasons behind your actions, and take the appropriate steps to fix it. Jealousy is a bad look, especially on you, so drop the attitude and just go back to being fabulous!

I no longer need you.


I thought it would be painful, letting you go.
I thought I would suffer, that my heart would be anguished with the loss of you. Or worse, maybe it would stop beating altogether.

Maybe without you, I would simply cease to exist.

I thought I would become adrift, for you had been the anchor I had formed my identity upon, the compass I had relied on for my direction. I thought without you I would become lost, disoriented.

I had expected to taste salty tears as they fell upon lips that once spoke so fondly of you; that my head would lay on my pillow damp with tears for as many nights as the moon continued to kiss the stars.

But one day, I just knew.

I hadn’t expected such a feeling of relief as I cut the ropes that once shackled me to you. One instant of tremendous clarity. One instant, where I finally knew.

I no longer needed you.

I no longer needed your opinion of me, your affirmation, your approval.

I no longer needed your judgments, your criticisms, your condemnations.

I no longer needed your expectations I could never meet; your hoops too high to jump through, your goal posts that shifted with every changing breeze.

I no longer needed your blame, your excuses, your justifications.

I no longer needed your pseudo love, fraught with conditions and attached with strings.

I thought I needed you. I didn’t.

I thought it would be hard to let you go. It wasn’t.

I thought I would miss you. I don’t.

For in one instant my heart was awakened to the truth of who I am.

I am more than the lies you made believe about myself. I am more than the look of failure in your eyes when I fell short of your demands. I am more than how worthless you made me feel. I am more than the ways you tried to break me.

I am a warrior, sculpted by the hands of creation, fashioned into being by the very hands that created the oceans and the stars and the mountains and air.

I am strong, I am brave, I am wise. I am gentle of spirit with the heart of a lioness.

I am creative, passionate, sensitive, and kind. I am of open heart and open mind. I am powerful, generous, thoughtful, daring, empathetic, raw, complex, courageous, understanding, forgiving.

I am everything you are not.

I will no longer carry the shame you made me suffer under the weight of.

That shame belongs to you.

And I will no longer carry my hate for you.

For that will only ever bind me to your darkness and give you permission to destroy my light. It will allow you to stay within me, to destroy my peace, to blacken my heart with the malice that lives within you.

It will tie me to your soul-destroying bitterness, your ugliness.

It will anchor me once more to you, who tried to drown me.

Instead, I will choose to go into the world and love more fiercely, show more compassion, be more generous, offer more kindness.

I will choose to forgive. For me, not for you.

I will choose to sow what I wish to see reaped for my children’s future.

I will choose to dis-empower hate.

I will choose freedom.

I will choose love.

I will stand firm upon the unshakeable truth of who I am.

And I will soar to heights you will only ever dream of.

For I have let you go.

No longer am I held down by all I allowed you to be in my life.

I no longer need you.

I am free.

Written by Kathy Parker

( with permission)

Married Or Not… You Should Read This Husband’s Story

 

When I got home that night my wife served dinner. I held her hand and said, “I’ve got something to tell you.” She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking about divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, “Why?”

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, “You are not a man!”

That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore, I just pitied her.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it to pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources, and energy but I could not take back what I had said. I loved Jane now.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came home late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still at the table writing.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions. She didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month, we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple; our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me, but she had something more. She asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration, I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door every morning. I thought she was going crazy, but just to make our last days together bearable, I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. “No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce,” she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any physical contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, “Daddy is holding Mommy in his arms.”

His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the living room and to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, “Don’t tell our son about the divorce.”

I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying. Our marriage had taken its toll on her, and for a minute, I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, “All my dresses have grown bigger.” I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, and that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me. She had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, “Dad, it’s time to carry mom out.” To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the living room, and to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, just like on our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, “I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.”

I drove to office, jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind. I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door. “Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.”

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. “Do you have a fever?” she replied.

I moved her hand off my head. “Sorry, Jane,” I said. “I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day, I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.”

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The saleswoman asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, “I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.”

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face. I ran up the stairs only to find my wife in the bed – dead. My wife had been fighting cancer for months, but I was too busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and wanted to save me from any negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce. At least, in the eyes of our son, I’m a loving husband.

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It’s not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Have a real happy marriage!

Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/feel-good-story/1125/Married-Or-Not-You-Should-Read-This-Husband-s-Story#IXUoJLhzMbZHoHXU.99

How to Be Strong After a Breakup

 

When a relationship is over, feelings of rejection can numb your sense of self and wreck your balance. For many jilted lovers, the first impulse is to try to fix what’s broken or recover what was lost. But often, the beloved has moved on and reconciliation is not possible. And still you persist. How can you ever move on?

 

how can you believe an affirmation of worth when you are convinced of your unworthiness? And why would you use strategies for moving on when you’re still trying to find a solution that will win back your beloved? These are excellent points. So let’s examine “coping with a break-up” from this very different perspective.

If you are still distressed by feelings of failure, idealizing the one who rejected you, and intent on recovering the lost relationship, you’ve essentially granted this relationship the power to consume your life and create your misery.

Powerless, you’ve become invisible, even to yourself, and certainly to this desired person– or any other person who might be a potential mate. You may harbor a sense of being stuck, or feeling suspended from truly living. In fact, it’s quite difficult to win anyone’s affection while you’re feeling like a loser.

So here is a set of strategies for reclaiming your power and recovering yourself, including your emotional equilibrium, your vitality, and your self-worth.

Forget about moving on.  Moving on and away from your beloved before you’re ready only increases your distress. Where you are right now is precisely where you belong.

Instead, envision moving forward. Moving forward means not staying stuck in the same place that’s getting you nowhere fast. In other words, if a life strategy isn’t working after many months, don’t think “must do this harder, longer, faster, stronger”. Instead, think, “must find a new life strategy.” And if you’re destined to be with your beloved, moving forward simply brings you into a better place to make that happen.

See your reactions as normal. Our brains and bodies are wired to have powerfully painful reactions to rejection. The break-up of a relationship can trigger a cascade of chemicals that make you feel lonely, depressed, and worthless—especially if you see the rejecter as “the one for you”.  You are not crazy– you’re in a natural state of distress.

Face your grief. It can be tempting to avoid grief. You may be fearful that it will be too painful, especially since you’ve lost someone and something precious. But repressing your grief can result in depression, anxiety, obsession, suppressed immune system, and chronic despair. Avoiding grief keeps you feeling stuck and powerless.

See grief as a necessary reaction to loss. Grief includes feelings of disbelief, anger, fear, and sadness, as well as physical symptoms of fatigue, tension, emptiness, distractibility, and changes in appetite and sleep. It is painful, to be sure, but it is also a byproduct of your ability to invest in meaningful relationships.

See grieving as a process of healing. Grieving is how you gradually let go of what might have been, and adjust to what is. And over time, your outlook will naturally shift from “I must demonstrate I am a worthy mate for her/him” to “I can reclaim my own sense of worth.” Grieving is what sets you free from the pit of despair.

To move through the grieving process, get out of your head and get in touch with your body. Believe it or not, it’s hard to move through an emotional experience by staying in your head. While you’re rationalizing your sense of worthlessness and wracking your brain for solutions, you’ve probably put your emotions on hold and cut off your bodily awareness.

Your bodily sensations tell you the truth about what’s going on for you. Whenever you feel an emotion welling up or feel a contraction somewhere in your body, simply observe your bodily sensations of emotion as they move through you. Particularly if meditation and mindfulness don’t work because intrusive thoughts keep derailing your efforts, you may benefit from this body-centered, somatic approach, with support and coaching on attending to the physical sensations in your body. By training your attention on your body, your mind stays out of the way rather than escalating your pain with inflammatory thoughts.

So, for example, when you’re thinking s/he is what I want and I must demonstrate that I am a worthy mate— or s/he’s just not that into me— or her/his rejection means I’m a failure, switch your focus to your bodily sensations, whatever they might be. I feel tightness in my jaw. Or I have a lump in my throat. Or I have butterflies in my tummy.

Anger (including frustration, irritation, guilt) tends to be expressed as tension in the jaw, head, neck, shoulders, and hands. Sadness (including sorrow, disappointment, despair) is often felt as pain or constriction in the throat, chest, and arms. Fear (including anxiety, worry, dread) might be felt as discomfort or uneasiness in the belly or legs. You may have your own unique responses.

Let feelings flow. When an emotion is triggered, notice how your physiology ramps up at first. Attend to your bodily sensations as you ride the wave, so you can disregard any painful thoughts. Stay on task by scanning your entire body and describing your physical sensations to yourself. You’ll reach the crest, and as your physiology calms down, you’ll slide down into calmer waters. Observe how the wave has passed through you — within a mere minute or two. That’s what emotion is– energy in motion. Your physiology ramps up and then quickly calms down, as long as you don’t sustain it with painful thoughts. It’s just a wave and not a flood, unless you make it so.

That’s why focusing only on your physical sensations is a powerful tool—it renders you incapable of thinking painful thoughts (including repressive ones such as, I can’t feel this grief; it’s too painful; it will destroy me) that needlessly ramp up your pain.  By focusing on your body, you’ve put a halt to that endless loop of mental anguish and existential suffering, and allowed your feelings of grief to flow through and out of you.

Practice this technique every time a wave of emotion comes up, and you’ll never have to experience that particular wave again. Letting your feelings flow through you frees you from their grip and eases your emotional burden– and enables you to naturally move forward.

Granted, letting it flow can be totally scary, especially when your feelings promise to be painful or overwhelming. But by riding the waves, you get to go with the flow and find healing.

Practice deep, slow breathing. Physiologically, the only difference between excitement and fear is whether you’re breathing or not. Fear is excitement without breath. Focusing on your breathing, even for a few minutes a day, can put your brain into a more soothing stateCalm breath also makes it easier for you to practice being a nonjudgmental observer and letting your painful feelings flow when you are triggered. Getting out into nature (ecotherapy) has a similar calming effect. Breathe.

Take one day at a time. There are no deadlines. Trust the process and understand that your adjustment can be as gradual as you need it to be. It’ll happen as you become ready for it.

See hope as an important part of coping. For now, you may be holding onto the hope that you’ll figure out how to win back your beloved. But as you grieve and adjust, your hope can change direction—perhaps to hoping that you can create a happy life for yourself—with or without this person.

 

Source: Deborah L. Davis