Why Second Love Is The Real One

Why Second Love Is The Real One.

Second love teaches you how to love again after you’ve been broken. It teaches you that love still exists, that you’re capable of loving again and loving harder. That you can still have faith in love no matter how much pain your first love caused you. Second love is there to pick up the pieces.

Second love gives you hope. That your fairy tale is still out there. That heartbreak is not the end of the world and that there are better things ahead. It shows you what happens when you move on, when you let go, when you try again and when you never lose hope. Second love shows you the light after the dark.

Second love is braver. It means you know how to forgive, you know how to risk getting hurt again because it’s worth it. It means that you’re prepared for the worst but you’re hoping for the best. Second love makes you stronger.

Second love makes you believe in timing. Why things didn’t work out the first time around, why you fell in love with the wrong person, why you had to get your heartbroken and why someone left you when they promised to love you. It’s here to tell you that there is always a valid reason behind your pain and that loving someone doesn’t always mean they’re right for you. Second love answers all these questions.

Second love makes sense. It’s not based on childhood fantasies or lust or infatuation. It’s not blind or reckless or toxic. It’s not based on unrealistic expectations or sheer obsession. Second love comes after you’ve learned to listen to your gut, to watch for the red flags, to pick someone because they will add value to your life and when you’ve learned to make decisions out of maturity not out of loneliness.

Second love shows you that you can be someone’s first choice and shows you what it really means to be loved.

Written by Rania Naim

19 Things I’ve Learned in my Life .

Things I’ve Learned in my Life
1. Toxic people will ruin you. They will suck the life out of you. It is so much better to remove them from your life than to carry on a relationship that’s poisonous.
2. It’s okay to want to be alone. You don’t have to go to every party. You don’t have to be with your friends all the time. It’s okay to enjoy your own company.
3. Sometimes you have to put your happiness before others. It’s not selfishness. It’s doing what’s best for you.
4. People leave. Sometimes you will see it coming and most times it will take you by surprise. You can’t avoid it and you can’t change it. All you can do is keep moving forward. They’re in the past for a reason.
5. Don’t think too hard. Ninety nine percent of your problems stem from you over thinking them.
6. Find something to believe in. Whether it be a religion, a cause, or a person, find something that gives you hope. Find something that gives you a reason for living and immerse yourself in it.
7. Eat the brownie, buy the skirt, kiss the boy. Life is too short to deny yourself it’s simplest pleasures.
8. Learn about your family, learn about your past. Root yourself to where you came from. You wouldn’t be here without the people who came before you.
9. Take school seriously. You only get one shot at it, no do-overs.
10. When you find those special people that make you feel completely yourself, hold on to them. They are the rarest of blessings.
11. Stop trying to fix people who broke you.
12. Having a job will not only teach you discipline and responsibility, but also that the majority of the people on this planet are major assholes. But the customer is always right.
13. It feels much better to give than to receive.
14. Think of yourself as a blank canvas. Create whoever you want. The brush is in your hand.
15. You will go through times of sadness that seem like a never ending tunnel. But there is light at the end, I promise. You just have to keep pushing forward.
16. Stop planning your life. Let the current pull you along. Life is so much more enjoyable when you’re the passenger, not the driver.
17. Don’t ever be ashamed of your passions. If it sets a fire in your heart, let the flames grow taller.
18. Trust your instincts. Your brain thinks too much and your heart feels too much, but your gut is always right.
19. No matter what, have hope. There is always hope.
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Amazing Things That Would Happen When You Finally Let Go

Amazing Things That Would Happen When You Finally Let Go

 

Sometimes, you have to let go before you can move forward.

All of us must decide, at various points over the course of our lives, whether or not to let go of something or someone that is making us unhappy. Whether it’s a toxic partner, an unhealthy job, or an irredeemable friendship, there are times when you have to let go and move on.

If you have recently taken the brave step of letting go of a situation or individual that was doing you no favors, congratulations! Your life is about to seriously improve. Here’s how and why.

Your True Self Can Re-emerge

Staying in an unhealthy situation, such as a destructive relationship, can change you — and not for the better. Toxic relationships and job roles have a habit of forcing us to bend our personalities, dreams, and desires out of all recognition just to keep the peace. When you give yourself permission to leave, your real self can re-emerge once more. Your life will feel more authentic.

The Feeling Of Freedom Will Be Immense

Sometimes, you don’t realise just how trapped you have been feeling until you let go. For instance, you may have stayed in an unfulfilling friends group for years, just from habit or fear of being unable to find new friends. When you allow yourself to admit that such situations are not benefitting you psychologically, a huge weight will be lifted. You may feel nervous at first, but you will feel free!

You Will Have Space For Your Old Passions

Worrying about the same situation or relationship on a daily basis is very time consuming and energy draining. You will be pleasantly surprised by how much space will open up in your life for old interests and passions once you remove yourself from a toxic or unhelpful situation.

You Will Reconnect With Your Friends

Not only will you have more time for old passions when you let go of whatever or whoever it was that was holding you back, you will also find yourself more likely to engage with the most important aspects of your life. This includes your friendships.

The time and effort you were previously expending on fretting about that which you have now let go of can be channeled into strengthening connections with old friends as well as expanding your social group to include new people.

Your Personal Productivity Will Skyrocket

Letting go is empowering. In doing so, you demonstrate to yourself that you are competent, can make positive decisions, and have your own best interests at heart. This, combined with your newly freed-up energy, will boost your productivity both at home and at work. Your self-image will get a drastic upgrade!

You Can Look Forward To The Future

Once you have stopped devoting precious mental resources to analysing an unhealthy situation or individual, you can start to look proactively towards the future. Rather than ruminating on what has been and gone, you will start to think about the glorious possibilities that await you.

One Day, You’ll Forget What You Were Holding Onto

It may seem hard to believe at the beginning, but in time you will truly move on from whatever it was that was holding you back. Letting go is an emotionally fraught process — especially if the relationship, job, or other cause of your difficulties was a major part of your life or identity. It is important to realise that learning to let go is one of the most important life skills you can master. Once you have the ability to identify unhealthy elements in your life and to move on, you will have taken a vital step towards maximising your health and fulfilling your potential.

 

Source http://www.lifehack.org/423524/amazing-things-that-would-happen-when-you-finally-let-go

If You Want To Be Genuinely Happy, Try Losing Things

The idea that possessions make us happy is an illusion. Putting all our happiness into things and even people or past experiences is ultimately allowing us to cultivate a notion that happiness doesn’t come from within — that it’s reliant on outside circumstances and objects. We put so much emphasis on what our possessions mean to us that we conclude, that having these things in our life must be what’s bringing us happiness. However, what if we just let things go? Whether it’s a person or a possession, letting go can feel painful and we often wonder how can pain possibly bring happiness? Our mind tends to focus on the illogical aspect of this but in essence, letting go of things will lead us to live much more happy and fulfilling lives. Let Go of the Idea That Happiness Is Contained In Your Current Possessions This is a huge misconception. Whether it’s that pair of shoes, the car, the latest smartphone, or the person we’ve been longing after — our mind believes that our lives will get better and we’ll be happier only when these things enter into our lives. And yes, they might make us feel excitement and joy for a short while but our ability to adapt to our environments and what’s in it causes us to get bored easily and move on to the next thing that’ll bring us happiness again. Even in relationships, we believe a certain person will make us happy but sometimes you find out they just don’t. So it’s important to let go of the idea that happiness can be found by external means. If you let go of this idea you will come to realize that nothing around you contributes to your happiness other than inside yourself. Let Go of What You Can’t Control Trying to control situations around us to make us happy will only end in unhappiness. Sometimes it’s better to just let go of what you can’t control and let it play out the way that it is meant to. Fighting too hard and obsessing over things will only bring frustration — trying to change something that’s fixed will take away your happiness in the long run so it’s important to let it go. Ultimately, you need to go with the flow to reap the benefits of feeling happy. Happiness can be found in getting what you were resisting. Our mind has a habit of fixating on a particular way we can achieve our happiness and ignores or makes assumptions about other paths and avenues. But it’s these paths that could lead you to where you want to be. By releasing control on things and letting go you can learn how to be happy in a whole different way than you were expecting. Let Go of Your Past Possessions You feel you’re due a sort out but you can’t quite let go of that dress that reminds you of a great holiday you had – despite not having worn it since 2007? Or an old picture that’s collecting dust in the attic because it reminds you of your last house? By holding on to our possessions, we are holding on to the past. While it’s nice to have keepsakes, holding on to too much stuff can stop us from moving forward more than we think. Literally making room in our closets and cupboards, frees up space in our minds too and this can do wonders for our happiness. Yes, it’s hard to throw that item in the bin or hand it over to the charity shop but it’s never as painful as we imagine afterwards. Let Go of The People Who Don’t Serve Your Present Sometimes we have people in our lives that dampen our happiness. While it can be difficult to let go of friends and past loves, it is paramount to our own happiness to step aside and let these people go. Holding on to painful memories or constantly exposing our thoughts and minds to potentially toxic people will only hinder our happiness. It’s also important to let go of the idea of a person. Past loves and relationships can have a habit of lingering in our minds where we start to forget the reasons why they didn’t work out. Equally, we build up the idea of people we lust after and place them up on that pedestal so we need to let go of this because it’s not really reality. Letting go relieves the pressure we put on ourselves and others that could be getting in the way of us achieving the happiness we deserve. Pain, More Often Than Not, Leads To Happiness The whole concept of letting go is painful to us. It must be, otherwise why would it be so hard to do? We are certain that the things and people around us contribute immensely to our happiness when, in fact in a lot of cases, this isn’t true. Sometimes we need to go through painful processes to reach our happiness — it’s how we evaluate and appreciate what we need to make us happy and frees up necessary space for new and exciting experiences, thoughts, and beliefs to enter and help us understand how to be happy — truly and genuinely happy.

 

The idea that possessions make us happy is an illusion. Putting all our happiness into things and even people or past experiences is ultimately allowing us to cultivate a notion that happiness doesn’t come from within — that it’s reliant on outside circumstances and objects.

We put so much emphasis on what our possessions mean to us that we conclude, that having these things in our life must be what’s bringing us happiness. However, what if we just let things go? Whether it’s a person or a possession, letting go can feel painful and we often wonder how can pain possibly bring happiness? Our mind tends to focus on the illogical aspect of this but in essence, letting go of things will lead us to live much more happy and fulfilling lives.

Let Go of the Idea That Happiness Is Contained In Your Current Possessions

This is a huge misconception. Whether it’s that pair of shoes, the car, the latest smartphone, or the person we’ve been longing after — our mind believes that our lives will get better and we’ll be happier only when these things enter into our lives. And yes, they might make us feel excitement and joy for a short while but our ability to adapt to our environments and what’s in it causes us to get bored easily and move on to the next thing that’ll bring us happiness again.

Even in relationships, we believe a certain person will make us happy but sometimes you find out they just don’t. So it’s important to let go of the idea that happiness can be found by external means. If you let go of this idea you will come to realize that nothing around you contributes to your happiness other than inside yourself.

Let Go of What You Can’t Control

Trying to control situations around us to make us happy will only end in unhappiness. Sometimes it’s better to just let go of what you can’t control and let it play out the way that it is meant to. Fighting too hard and obsessing over things will only bring frustration — trying to change something that’s fixed will take away your happiness in the long run so it’s important to let it go. Ultimately, you need to go with the flow to reap the benefits of feeling happy.

Happiness can be found in getting what you were resisting. Our mind has a habit of fixating on a particular way we can achieve our happiness and ignores or makes assumptions about other paths and avenues. But it’s these paths that could lead you to where you want to be. By releasing control on things and letting go you can learn how to be happy in a whole different way than you were expecting.

Let Go of Your Past Possessions

You feel you’re due a sort out but you can’t quite let go of that dress that reminds you of a great holiday you had – despite not having worn it since 2007? Or an old picture that’s collecting dust in the attic because it reminds you of your last house? By holding on to our possessions, we are holding on to the past. While it’s nice to have keepsakes, holding on to too much stuff can stop us from moving forward more than we think. Literally making room in our closets and cupboards, frees up space in our minds too and this can do wonders for our happiness. Yes, it’s hard to throw that item in the bin or hand it over to the charity shop but it’s never as painful as we imagine afterwards.

Let Go of The People Who Don’t Serve Your Present

Sometimes we have people in our lives that dampen our happiness. While it can be difficult to let go of friends and past loves, it is paramount to our own happiness to step aside and let these people go. Holding on to painful memories or constantly exposing our thoughts and minds to potentially toxic people will only hinder our happiness.

It’s also important to let go of the idea of a person. Past loves and relationships can have a habit of lingering in our minds where we start to forget the reasons why they didn’t work out. Equally, we build up the idea of people we lust after and place them up on that pedestal so we need to let go of this because it’s not really reality. Letting go relieves the pressure we put on ourselves and others that could be getting in the way of us achieving the happiness we deserve.

Pain, More Often Than Not, Leads To Happiness

The whole concept of letting go is painful to us. It must be, otherwise why would it be so hard to do? We are certain that the things and people around us contribute immensely to our happiness when, in fact in a lot of cases, this isn’t true.

Sometimes we need to go through painful processes to reach our happiness — it’s how we evaluate and appreciate what we need to make us happy and frees up necessary space for new and exciting experiences, thoughts, and beliefs to enter and help us understand how to be happy — truly and genuinely happy.

 

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20 Brutally Honest Things Women Turning 40 Want All Women In Their 30s To Know

women in 40

 

I will be 40 in less than a year. I would be lying if I said that turning the big 40 didn’t bother me. It seems that 40 is a number where I believe I should have finally ‘arrived’ in life, or my life should be the perfect picture of a successful wife, mother, business woman or whatever other demanding expectation I put upon myself when I was younger. My life right now is pretty good, but if I could have planned it all out or done things differently – it definitely would not look like how it actually turned out. I am a blessed mother of two children and I do have a few accomplishments under my belt but I sometimes compare my life to others and it just gets me down.

As I reflect being on this earth for almost 40 years and I rewind to when I was in my 30s, I would have definitely done a few things differently. Luckily, because of some of my past challenges in my life, I was forced to learn new tools.  Some of my past experiences forced me to do things differently which turned into a good thing eventually. Here are 20 brutally honest things women turning 40 want all women in their 30s to know.

 

1. Love and accept yourself – fully

I truly believe if I had accepted the good and bad parts of myself at a younger age, I would have avoided many of the wrong decisions that I made in my life. Once you know who you really are inside, you begin to accept and love yourself fully.  Once you truly love yourself from the inside, you are able to love and accept others which provides a much higher probability of maintaining healthy relationships.

2. Feed your soul

Whatever your passion, or whatever you enjoy in life, make sure you feed your soul with what inspires you. If you are not sure what your passion is, try new things and find different activities until you find a few that give you that feeling of warmth, freedom and acceptance inside.

3. Find a strong support network

For a long while, I tried to do everything in my life in my own power and with little help from others. I later realized having a strong support network of friends and safe people to share my life with is so rewarding. Finding and cultivating new relationships with others that will love and support you no matter what is so important to have in life.

4. Be authentic

During some of my harder times in life, I wore a pretty and smiling mask on my face no matter what I was going through. Only a few close people in my life knew what was really going on during my hardest trials. Once you begin to show others you have ups, downs and struggles in life just like everyone else, you become more trustworthy and sincere to others.

5. Live for you

A huge part of my life was taken up by taking care of everyone else which resulted in having no time for myself. My motives and reasons for doing things were wrong which in turn made my life much harder than it had to be. You cannot make everyone in your life happy – ever. Once you begin to make the best decisions for yourself instead of others, life gets easier.

6. Don’t compromise too much

I could have avoided a few bad relationships if I would have figured this out when I was younger. Compromise is required in any close relationship because we are all different and have different wants. Compromise is a good thing most of the time if the compromising is equal on both sides. Once you give up your wants and needs the majority of the time in any one relationship, it’s time to re-evaluate that relationship and decide if it really is healthy for you to be a part of it.

7. Travel more

This might be my biggest regret. I did travel some when I was younger before I had children and it was wonderful. Money can buy you material things or memories. If I had thought about it this way before, I would have stopped making the meaningless purchases on material things and made sure I spent my money on at least one new destination each year. Traveling creates a sense of freedom and opens your eyes to the way others live in different parts of the world.

8. Worry less

I struggled with anxiety and lots of worry in my past. Worrying triggered my anxiety and it became an ugly part of who I was for a long while. Once you realise that worrying will not change your outcome, you begin to accept whatever is going to happen to you. You realise you will be okay no matter what. Once I stopped worrying so much about everything, my stress levels decreased immensely.

9. Stop Comparing

Sometimes I feel like I should be done with Facebook altogether. Comparing your life to your best friend whom you know really well is one thing, but comparing your life to someone’s life on Facebook is detrimental. Once you realize that comparing your life to others does nothing but bring your own self worth down, you eventually stop. There will always be someone who is smarter, prettier or better off than me and I have accepted that. The moment I start comparing, I immediately change my thought pattern to what I am thankful for in my life and keep moving forward.

10. Forget expectations

I had the Disney syndrome growing up, you know the one that you will meet Prince Charming, get married and live happily ever after? Well Disney can suck it because that is not real life. After I was on failing marriage number 2, I just threw all of my expectations I placed upon others in the garbage. Once you realise you can still have dreams about your life but with dropping the expectations regarding other people, you really start to live your life in the moment. An expectation placed on someone else is actually just a premeditated resentment.

11. Live to work, not work to live

If I could do it all over again, I would have tried a myriad of different jobs when I was younger or researched a lot of different careers and chosen one that fit me best. Once you decide on a career path that you could really see yourself doing for the rest of your life, you then become someone in the workforce that truly lives to work because they love their career of choice. Many people are stuck in jobs they dislike just to garner a paycheck and that is not an ideal existence.

12. Save for the unexpected

This should be a no brainer but I did not do this when I was younger. I am now watching my parents live out their retirement and it has me thinking about all the things I need to do so that I am financially secure when I am older. Life will constantly be changing and probably continue to throw you unexpected curveballs so saving for upcoming hardships is a smart and sound decision.

13. Give back more

I found out later in my life that I enjoy helping others. For some this could entail volunteering time with a charity, or taking special care of a close friend that is going through a hard time. Giving a part of your time to do something that benefits you in no way, shape or form keeps you grounded and thankful for what you do have. It is so rewarding to forget about your problems in life by taking time to invest in someone else.  When you do something just out of the goodness of your heart and expect nothing at all in return, you surprisingly feel better about life no matter what is going on.

14. Forgive yourself and others

I lived a good part of my life bitter and angry about a few events that happened to me and for a while I truly believed it was 100% the other person’s fault. Once I realised that holding unforgiveness towards others and myself for past mistakes was holding me back from happiness, I made a change. It took me a while to be willing to forgive but I was able to work through it and experience freedom. Once you are able to truly let go of past hurts made by yourself or others, you see life and love in a positive light.

15. Don’t waste too much time on negative people

Sometimes it is hard to get away from negative people if they are your co-workers or your family. In some situations you do not have a choice but with actual friendships you can choose what type of friends you want to spend most of your time with. If you are on the end of a relationship where that person is a taker vs. a giver it’s time to set boundaries or slowly end the relationship. Once you begin to learn proper boundaries to set with people you would rather not have to deal with everyday, life becomes easier because you choose not to let that negative person affect you any longer.

16. No is a complete sentence

I have a hard time saying no. I want to say yes all the time and make everyone happy but that is impossible. If I do say no, many times I want to justify my no or explain the situation so the other person will feel better about my no. The older I get the more I realise that no really is a complete sentence and I do not have to justify every reason why I am not able to commit to an event or able do something for someone else. Once you are confident in your ‘no’, it’s easier to make decisions for yourself instead of others.

17. Think long and hard before you say ‘I do’

I am part of the divorce rate in America which is hard to admit but I now know what I want, desire and deserve in a mate. It is so easy to get caught up in the feelings and emotions of relationships. I considered the time invested with that person and I wanted more than what I currently had so I got married and hoped that things would change for the better. For myself in the end, they only got worse. If you don’t see longevity in your current relationship or you have too many “if onlys” with that person, then you might not be with your ideal mate. It’s much easier to end things with someone before they get too serious. If you have reservations about certain things in your relationship or you want to change core aspects of the personality of your partner, it is probably best to move on.

18. Stop and admire the little things

This is so simplistic but we currently live in a world where everyone is connected to an electronic device or the internet and it is becoming harder and harder to unplug and just enjoy everything that makes life worth living. Stop to enjoy a sunrise or sunset every once in a while, sit under the stars on a night with few clouds. Stop and smell the flowers. Go visit the ocean or the mountains and admire nature. We live in a world where Ferris Bueller is so right – “Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

19. Stop caring what others think of you

I so wish I would have figured this one out much sooner. I was so concerned with what others thought of me that I often times responded or did things for others because I thought that is what they wanted to hear or what they wanted me to do. Once I realised that what others think of me is really none of my business I was able to live life with right motives instead of wrong ones. Once you are able to be yourself and forget caring what other people think about you, life gets better because the worry and the expectation of pleasing others is removed. The truth is it is impossible to please everyone, so you need to focus on yourself and just wear the bikini anyway.

20. Embrace Change

When I was younger I wanted things to be predictable, to be stable and for the most part to stay the same. It felt safer to think that my life will be pretty much the same through the years. When I was then confronted with numerous changes all at one time, I did not handle it well. I have since realised that the only thing I can count on in life is change. Once you are able to embrace change and know that life can take a variety of different turns, you are up for the challenge and better suited to accept whatever comes your way.

 

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7 Things to Remember When You Feel Cheated On

Things to Remember When You Feel Cheated On

 

Sometimes we feel cheated on by others.

Sometimes we feel cheated on by our circumstances.

Sometimes we feel cheated on by life itself.

In any case, we are faced with the reality that things aren’t always what they seem – we don’t always get what we expect.  And we begin to learn that our expectations are like fine pottery – the harder we hold on to them, the more likely they are to crack wide open.

So what can we do?

Embrace reality, and make the best of it.

The truth is, we were promised trials and tribulations right from the beginning.  They were always part of the program.  Growing up we were told, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”  And I’ve accepted it.  The relationships, jobs, and projects that didn’t work out led me closer to the ones that did.  The things I’ve lost too soon opened my mind to understandings and opportunities I never fathomed beforehand.  So while I’ve rarely gotten exactly what I wanted, I’ve often received more than I bargained for.

Of course, in the heat of the moment, when disappointing things are happening to YOU, not to others, and the outcomes you’re dealing with are REAL, not imagined, embracing reality and making the best of it is not easy.

You feel cheated on.

You feel victimized.

You feel crushed.

Which is why, first and foremost, it’s important to…

Learn to Be Mindful of Your Expectations

Imagine you had a ripe, juicy apple sitting on a table in front of you.  You pick it up eagerly, take a nibble, and begin to taste it.

You already know how an apple should taste, and so when this one is a bit more tart than you expected, you make a face, feel a sense of disappointment and swallow it, feeling cheated out of a good experience.

Or perhaps the apple tastes EXACTLY as you expected – nothing special at all.  So you swallow without even pausing to enjoy its flavor, and you move on with your day.

In the first scenario, the apple let you down because it didn’t meet your expectations.  In the second, it was too plain and unexciting because it met your expectations to a T.

Do you see the irony here?

It’s either not good, or not good enough.

This is how many of us live our lives… unhappily.

It’s why many of us feel cheated on, victimized, and crushed far too often.

Now imagine you try this instead: eliminate your expectations of how the apple “should” taste.  You don’t know, and you don’t pretend to know, because you haven’t tried it yet.  Instead, you’re genuinely curious, impartial and open to a variety of flavors.

You taste it, and you truly pay attention.  You notice the juiciness, the grainy texture of the skin, the simultaneously sweet, tangy and tart flavors swirling around your tongue, and all the other complex sensations that arise in your awareness as you chew.  You didn’t know how it would taste, but now you realize it’s different than the rest, and it’s remarkable in it’s own way.  It’s a totally new experience – a worthwhile experience – because you’ve never tasted THIS apple before.

Mindfulness practitioners often refer to this as “beginner’s mind,” but really it’s just the outcome of a mindset free of needless and stressful expectations.

The apple, of course, can be substituted for anything in your life: any event, any circumstance, any relationship, any person, any thought at all that enters your mind, anytime and anyplace.  If you approach any of these with expectations of “how it should be,” they will surely disappoint you in some way… or be too plain and unexciting to remember.

And you’ll just move on to the next disappointment or unexciting experience, and the next, and the next, and so on and so forth, until you’ve lived your entire life stuck in an endless cycle of things you barely like or barely even notice…

Until you kinda feel cheated on by everything and everyone you’ve ever known.

But if you approach each event, circumstance, relationship, etc. without expectations – and just see that event, circumstance, relationship, etc. at face value – then you will truly see it.  You will truly experience it like you’ve never experienced anything before, because you haven’t.  And you will be able to mindfully respond to whatever happens next.

But (and there’s always a “but”)…

Now that we’ve cleared the air a bit, and established some healthy breathing room, let’s get real about something else:

At some point, even when you’ve done your part to be mindful of your expectations, someone you trust or respect will deliberately hurt you.  They will cheat on you in some way by placing their own self-centered agenda ahead of your feelings.  And they will do it remorselessly, without an apology.

When you are faced with this reality, and you’re struggling to cope, let me prompt you with some essential reminders that Angel and I often review with our course students who are struggling with similar circumstances:

  1. The person who cheated on you is likely broken in more ways than you realize. – When people cheat in any arena, they diminish themselves – they directly threaten their own self-esteem and their relationships with others by undermining the trust they have in their ability to succeed and in their ability to be true.  In many ways, they are deeply broken.  This, however, does NOT excuse their behavior.
  2. The truth hurts, but it’s much healthier than holding on to the lies you once believed. – The really scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us in the long run than exposed lies.  Undiscovered lies erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation to the bitter end.  Keep this in mind.  The truth heals, even if it hurts at first.
  3. Arguing with someone who has intentionally hurt you only enflames the pain. – Truth be told, you are often most powerful and influential in an argument regarding betrayal when you are most silent.  The perpetrator never expects silence.  They expect yelling, drama, defensiveness, offensiveness, and lots of back and forth.  They expect to leap into the ring and fight.  They are ready to defend themselves with sly remarks cocked and loaded.  But your mindful silence?  That can really disarm them.  That can really give you the space you need to move forward, one way or another, with or without them.
  4. It’s always best to wish people well, even if they don’t deserve it. – As Gandhi so profoundly said, “An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.”  If you spend your time and energy hoping someone will suffer the consequences for breaking your heart, then you’re allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind.
  5. Healing gets easier when you learn to accept an apology you never received. – Forgiveness is crucial for your healing.  The key is to be mindful and grateful, despite what happened.  It’s taking a step back and saying, “Thank you for the lesson.”  When you forgive someone you are making a promise not to hold the unchangeable past against your present self.  It has nothing to do with freeing the perpetrator of his or her crime, and everything to do with freeing yourself of the burden of being an eternal victim.
  6. The person who hurt you doesn’t speak for the rest of us. – Every one of us suffers from at least one heart wrenching betrayal in our lifetime.  In a backwards way, it’s what unites us.  When it happens to you, the key is not to let one person’s despicable actions destroy your trust in others.  Don’t let them take that from you.
  7. A wonderful, life-changing gift may not be wrapped as you expect. – When you don’t get what you want, sometimes it’s necessary preparation, and other times it’s necessary protection.  But the time is never wasted.  It’s a step on your journey.  Someday you’re going look back on this time in your life as an important time of grieving and growing.  You will see that you were in mourning and your heart was breaking, but your life was changing for the greater good.

Your turn…

In what ways have you struggled with feeling “cheated on” or disappointed by the outcomes in your life and relationships?  How have you coped?  Please leave a comment below and share your insights with us.

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Source Marcangle

11 Signs of Wasting Your Life, Even if You Won’t Admit It

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.
Hopefully,Everything going great and you are living the life of your dreams. But for the rest of you who are not,

Signs of Wasting Your Life

Here are 11 Signs of Wasting Your Life … but you don’t want to admit it:

1. YOU WASTE TOO MUCH TIME DOING UNNECESSARY THINGS .

Eating too much food. Drinking,Video games. Reality Shows. Surfing the ‘net,and so on. Take a serious look at your life. Where are you spending the majority of your time? And does it serve you well? Is it leading to a better life? Is it laying the foundation for a bright future? If not, then you need to reevaluate your routine activities and make changes.

2. YOU ARE COMPLAINING A LOT ABOUT THINGS.
Do you complain about your Life,your academic score, your workplace, your family, your neighbors or your society? If you do, then you are exuding negative energy. Negativity doesn’t change things. It keeps you stuck. So change your thoughts and talk about what you appreciate about your life, not what you don’t like.
I know people who are constantly overwhelmed with life, and they never cease to tell me. Are you one of those people?
3. YOU DON’T FEED YOUR MIND.
If you’re not continually growing and learning as a person, then you are stagnant – just like a still pond that doesn’t move and grows green gunk on it. That’s what your mind does if you don’t keep it active and learn new things. Positive challenges in your life will expand your mind, not send it backwards.
4. YOU HAVE A LOT OF NEGATIVE SELF-TALK.
Self-talk can make or break your life. As Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can, or think you can’t… either way, you’re right.” If you tell yourself that you’re not smart enough to get that promotion or start a business, then you’re right. If you tell yourself you’re too exhausted to put effort into changing your life, then you’re right. Whatever you tell yourself becomes your reality. So closely monitor what you say to yourself, because you will find that your life matches your thoughts.
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5. YOU FEEL UNINSPIRED.
Do you have a passion for anything? I know a lot of people who think they don’t have a passion. But that’s never the case. There has to be something that you enjoy doing. So you need to rediscover what excites you, and then do more of it.(Also Read-7 Mantras that Will Stop You from Taking Things Personally)
6. YOU DON’T PLAN FOR YOUR FUTURE.
While it’s always great to live in the “now” and “be in the moment,” sometimes you need to look ahead to see where you want to go. If you don’t have a goal or a plan, then you are like a boat that is wandering aimlessly in the ocean hoping to end up somewhere good. But you can’t do that. You have to make a step-by-step guide to get where you want to go. Just like a GPS gets you to a destination, you need your own inner GPS to guide you.
7. YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME WITH PEOPLE WHO DON’T CONTRIBUTE TO YOUR GROWTH.
It’s easy to get stuck hanging out with people who are not making you feel like a better person. But if you keep doing that, then you will stay stagnant or get pulled down with them. I like to call them “Energy Vampires.” They suck the life out of you and give you nothing positive in return. Instead, go find growth-oriented people to be around.(Also Read)
8. YOU’RE ADDICTED TO YOUR PHONE.
Sure, cell phones are super cool gadgets that can leave us entranced when we use them. While that’s fun, think about all the time you are wasting with your phone. Even worse, think about all the relationships that might be affected. Maybe you’re texting or searching the internet while you’re having dinner with your spouse or kids. If you are, you’re missing out on meaningful time you can spend with your loved ones – or time you could devote to making a plan for your future.
9. YOU SPEND MONEY ON THINGS THAT DON’T MATTER.
There is a difference between a “need” and a “want.” I’m sure we all learned that in kindergarten. However, in today’s society, we have blurred the lines quite a bit (see #8… the cell phone). In fact, I know people who can’t pay their mortgage, but still have the fanciest gadgets on the planet. If you stop to think about it, there is very little that we actually need. Food, water, shelter and love are some of those things. All the rest are just bonuses. So look at what you’re spending your money on and see if you can make adjustments. Maybe you can use the money you save to invest in your future.
10. YOU DON’T GET ENOUGH SLEEP.
I’m not a medical doctor, but I have read enough books to know how vitally important sleep is. I could write 20 pages on it. But I obviously don’t have enough room in this short article. Sleep is crucial for good health. If you’re too busy to get enough sleep or if you simply have a bad habit of staying up until the wee hours of the morning, you should re-evaluate your habits.
11. YOU’RE NOT TAKING CARE OF YOUR BODY.
Not only is sleep essential to your health, so is food and exercise. I know I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. But eating a balanced, healthy diet and moving your body around truly does have more positive effects other than weight loss. It affects your mental attitude and overall well-being. So take a look at your diet and level of activity. You might find that making a few small changes will greatly improve your life.

Bonus

YOU DON’T LEAVE YOUR COMFORT ZONE.
I know how easy it is to live in a comfort zone. In fact, when I go to a familiar restaurant, I always order the same thing. Not because I’m afraid to try something new, but because I like the food I normally order. But that’s not the kind of comfort zone I’m talking about. I’m talking about taking a risk that will improve your life. And keep in mind, there is a difference between a “risk” and a “calculated risk.” Any risk has the possibility to be deadly, but a calculated risk is one in which you’ve weighed all options and thus come up with a good, sensible plan of action.
 YOU’RE LIVING A LIFE YOU DON’T LIKE.
The way I measure success is by someone’s level of happiness. Are you happy? If not, then you should change something! Even a feeling of contentment or satisfaction doesn’t tell you that you’re living life to the fullest. Life should be exciting! So if you’re not enjoying life, take a look at some of the changes you can make to get you to a better place.
If any of these 13 points sounded like you, don’t despair. You can make changes. But the first change you need to make is getting rid of the idea that you can’t do it. Many times, your biggest obstacle is your own thought process. So start there. Change your thinking – then change your life!
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7 Mantras that Will Stop You from Taking Things Personally

7 Mantras that Will Stop You from Taking Things Personally

People are toxic to be around when they believe that everything happening around them is a direct assault on them or is in some way all about them.

That is the truth.  Let it sink in.

What people say and do to you is much more about them, than you.  People’s reactions to you are about their perspectives, wounds and experiences.  Whether people think you’re amazing, or believe you’re the worst, again, is more about them and how they view the world.

Now, I’m not suggesting we should be self-indulged narcissists and ignore all the opinions and commentary we receive from others.  I’m simply saying that incredible amounts of hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives come directly from our tendency to take things personally.  In most cases it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of other people’s good or bad opinions of you, and to operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide.

The underlying key is to…

Watch Your Response

When something stressful happens in a social situation, what is your response?  Some people jump right into action – but oftentimes immediate action can be harmful.  Others get angry, or sad.  Still others start to feel sorry for themselves… and victimized… and left thinking: “Why can’t other people behave better?”

Responses like these are not healthy or helpful.  In fact, whenever your response lacks a mindful level of acceptance you’re likely taking things too personally.  And you’re not alone.  We all make this mistake sometimes.

If someone does something we disagree with, we tend to interpret this as a personal attack…

  • Our children don’t clean their rooms?  They are purposely defying us!
  • Our significant other doesn’t show affection?  They must not care about us as much as they should!
  • Our coworkers act inconsiderately at work?  They must hate us!
  • Someone hurts us?  Everyone must be out to get us!

Some people even think life itself is personally against them.  But the truth is, almost nothing in life is personal – things happen, or they don’t, and it’s rarely all about anyone specifically.

People have emotional issues they’re dealing with, and it makes them defiant, rude, and thoughtless sometimes.  They are doing the best they can, or they’re not even aware of their issues.  In any case, you can learn not to interpret their behaviors as personal attacks, and instead see them as non-personal encounters (like a dog barking in the distance, or a bumblebee buzzing by) that you can either respond to with a peaceful mindset, or not respond to at all.

Here’s what you need to remember…

Mantras for NOT Taking Things Personally

Like you, I’m only human, and I still take things personally sometimes when I’m in the heat of the moment.  So I’ve implemented a simple strategy to support the practice of watching my response, as I’ve outlined above.  In a nutshell, I proactively remind myself NOT to take things personally.  Anytime I catch myself doing so, I pause and read the following mantras to myself.  Then I take some fresh deep breaths…

  1. You can’t take things too personally, even if it seems personal.  Rarely do people do things because of you.  They do things because of them.
  2. You may not be able control all the things people say and do to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.
  3. There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you detach from other people’s beliefs and behaviors.  The way people treat you is their problem, how you react is yours.
  4. Take constructive criticism seriously, but not personally.  Listen, and then operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide.
  5. You are GOOD enough, SMART enough, FINE enough, and STRONG enough.  You don’t need other people to validate you – you’re already valuable.
  6. If you truly wish to improve your self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth, stop allowing other people to be responsible for them.  Stop allowing other people to dominate your emotions.
  7. All the hardest, coldest people you meet were once as soft as a baby.  And that’s the tragedy of living.  So when people are rude, be kind, be mindful, be your best.  Give those around you the “break” that you hope the world will give you on your own “bad day” and you will never, ever regret it.

Afterthoughts

As I am finishing up this post, I am reminded of all the senseless violence we see in our world today.

Please don’t attach yourself to it.

Do your best not to take it personally.

Do your best to let it go – to rise above the hate.

A small group of people may try to build barriers between us, but the rest of us can find a way to fly above them.  Others can try to pin us down with a hundred thousand arms, but in numbers we can find a way to help one another back up.  Yes, there are many of us out there, more than any of us likely realize, who know love is the answer.  People who refuse to stop believing.  People who refuse to trade an eye for an eye.  People who love in a world without conditions, who love into hate, into refusal, with faith, and without fear.

And that gives me hope.

Your turn…

How has “taking things personally” affected your life and relationships?  Do you have any thoughts or insights to share?  We would love to hear from you.  Please leave a reply below.

 

Source Marcandangel

Battling Low Self-Esteem? You Are NOT Alone

Battling Low Self-Esteem? You Are NOT Alone

Have you ever woken up in the morning hating everything about your existence? Have you ever gone to bed at night wishing you would not wake up the next day? Have you ever lived every minute hoping it would be your last? Have you ever felt hopeless, distraught, unwanted and worthless? And have you ever wished to stop feeling that way?

Because I have. A lot of people I know have. And trust me when I tell you it is not unnatural. Believe me when I say you are not the only one. We have all had dark days. We have all had sleepless nights. We have all been broken and felt unimportant. We have all wanted to end it someday.

Low self-esteem may feel like a curse you were born with. Always doubting your abilities. Never knowing if you were doing enough. Thinking you don’t deserve the people in your life that love and appreciate you. Feeling like everything you have achieved in life has been a matter of luck and coincidence.

If you can relate, here is what you need to do:

 Talk to yourself:

You need to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you need to stop feeling like filth. Tell yourself you are worth more than you think. Repeat after me ‘I am beautiful, confident, brave and ambitious. I do not care about what people have to say about me.’ The first time you do it, it will feel like you are lying to yourself. You will feel like you are wasting time but go on anyway. The reason you care so much about what other people think about you is that you listen to other people way more than you listen to yourselfTell yourself you matter. Tell yourself you are worth it. 

 Burn down the negativity:

Literally. Write down all the things you think are ‘wrong’ with you. List down all the things you think you are ‘incapable’ of.  Do people ever tell you that you are worthless? Do they taunt and mock you? Write down their words onto the page. Write down every negative thought that comes to your head when you wish to do something. Compile your negativity on one piece of paper. Walk to the stove and set it on fire. Watch it burn and reduce to ashes. Video tape if you would like to watch it again later. Everything holding you back has been wiped off existence. ‘Everything wrong with you’ no longer exists. You are now free. You are a new person. 

 Write:

It does not matter if you can’t. It does not matter if you failed creative writing class. What matters is that you have feelings. What matters is that you have something to say. You don’t necessarily have to write about yourself. You don’t have to write about your life. Write about what you want to write about. Maintain a journal if you’d like. Write about a friend that inspires you. Write about something you love to eat. Write about a sport you enjoy watching. Write about absolutely anything or anyone that puts a smile on your face. 

Reach out:

We are often afraid of opening up to the people around us. Many a time I have felt like I needed to be someone else around other people. I have felt like I needed to hide myself. Crying in front of someone made me feel weak and vulnerable. I would run to the toilet to shed my tears every time I felt sad. And I would come out with a huge fake smile on my face like everything inside me wasn’t broken. But recently going through a hard time in my life I started to have extreme anxiety and panic attacks. However, this time I ran to my mother’s room instead of somewhere no one would find me. It was hard opening up at first. Emotions feel so irrational sometimes. You think if you’d say it out loud, it wouldn’t make sense. You feel like no one can truly understand you besides you. But that is untrue. We are all humans capable of connecting and relating to each other on various levels. It is nothing you need to think too much about. You just need to start talking. Let everything out. If everything inside you feels like it is going to collapse, sharing it with someone will only help ease the pain and hold you together. It is okay to cry. It is human to feel sad. 

What is most important is realizing it is not just you. 85% of the world’s population is affected by low self-esteem. We all have irrational fears, insecurities and troubles we live with every single day. Every smile has tales of despair it so conveniently hides behind it. You don’t need to feel like you are insignificant. Every time you are unsure of going ahead, look at how far you have come and remind yourself of all you have survived through. You are brave. You are beautiful and you are stronger than anyone will ever be able to tell you. Keep fighting. You are not alone.

By: Ramsha Zafar, Pakistan. 

6 Steps To Take To Improve Your Social Skills and Defeat Your Anxiety

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Are you tired of being held back by your social anxiety? Do you always feel like you totally embarrass yourself after every social occasion even though the only “embarrassing” action you took was holding eye contact for more than 2 seconds? If all that relates to you, then read on and I will show you practical steps you can take to improve your social skills.

“But why should I take time and effort to improve my social skills?”, you might ask yourself, so before we get on to the 6 steps you can take to develop your social skills, let me first tell you why having excellent social skills is beneficial.

Why I should Improve my Social Skills

1. For business and the Job Market: 

Social skills are not only important in dating and parties, as a matter of fact, the most important part of having good social skills is to influence people in the business world. You might have excellent technical skills on the job you do, but if you can’t communicate with customers, ultimately and most probably, the person with better social skills will have your job. There are exceptions, but why take the chance? Right.

2. For Relationships 

Here, I am talking about both romantic and friendly relationships. In case of the romantic relationships, no matter how “hot” you think you are, nobody wants a partner who only has looks but you can’t relate to. This applies for both men and women. For friendly relationships, I think it is obvious for why you need social skills. The more relatable you are (which requires social skills), the more friends you will have.

3. For Developing Confidence

Many people on the internet claim there are shortcuts to having magnetic confidence, but the only practical way to develop confidence is to master skills. Confidence is a mindset where you are certain that you won’t fail on what you plan to do. Do you think regular public speakers (comedians, actors, motivational speakers…) have low confidence? No, you know why, because they have been in the situation for years, so it doesn’t faze them anymore. The same way when you apply the steps, I am about to give, below consistently you will be unfazed with social situations eventually.

Note: This is not a shortcut or overnight method to improving social skills. It requires consistent action and effort by your part, but eventually, the effort will pay off like it did for me, and you will be happy with the time you took.

6 Practical and Proven Steps To Take To Master Your Social Skills

1. Understand why your fear social situations and try to identify specific parts of interactions where you feel embarrassed and out of your comfort zone. The next time you are in a social situation where you aren’t comfortable, I want you to forget about the interaction and instead take notes in your mind for why you fear socializing. The more diverse your interactions; the better, so try interacting with men, women, elders, managers… and write why you fear the interaction

  • Are you constantly thinking about what to say next and how to say it so that you don’t get embarrassed?
  • Are you constantly re-positioning yourself so that you don’t look awkward, even though the only thing you are doing that is awkward is not sitting still.
  • Take note of everything that is bothering your mind and making you unsociable. After that…

2. Write all the reasons you came up with and jot down under each why you have this irrational or exaggerated fear. For example, you might be afraid of being judged and laughed at if you say something wrong. Write for every single reason you came up with explanations for why you are afraid. You will find that for some of the reasons, you won’t have explanations After jotting down everything that came through your mind…

3. Make a plan to confront that fear: I am pretty sure some of the excuses for your fear you came up with are just irrational and exaggerated, and in order for you to see that you are just irrational, you have to confront it and see how harmless the fear you have is. The plan is to go out and confront your fear; I know, it is scary, but I promise it is worth it. I suffered for the majority of my life thinking I could find an easier solution, but truthfully, there isn’t one.

4. Improve your Physical Appearance: One of the reasons you came up with in Step 1 is probably that you are insecure about your looks and there is a solution for that. Take effort and time to improve your physical appearance. Many think that they are stuck with their looks but in reality there is a 1000 steps you could take to improve your appearance. You could improve your fashion and style sense; you could improve your facial appearance; you could lose weight and gain muscle mass by following Brandon Carters Channel; You could improve yourbody language and more.

Note: This step doesn’t have to be completed before going on to the next step, keep working on it while following the next steps.

5. Get a Job That Requires You to Utilize Your Social Skills: This is the step that completely eradicated my social anxiety and made me more sociable and you know why it works? Because you fear being fired more than interacting with strangers. It is like a therapy for your mind but you don’t pay 300$ per hour. The jobs I am talking about are waiting, hosting, retail service… Anything that requires constant interaction with strangers. If you take this action, I assure you social skills will skyrocket and your anxiety will start fading. If you want to take it a step further…

6. Embarrass yourself in Public: I am not saying you should make a complete utter fool out of yourself, but try to do something that grabs attention and try to cope with the attention by being unfazed and welcoming it. For example, go into a cafe and order something and eat by yourself. If you don’t fear this, try something more daring. But I know people who would rather not eat lunch rather than go out and eat lunch by themselves. Come up with things that embarrass you and do those things in public and eventually it will feel like a feather landing on your skin. NOTHING.

These are all the steps you need to take to improve your social skills; it requires constant effort and will not solve your problem in one day so keep at it and you will eradicate your anxiety and master your social skills.