Learn how to stop treating your boyfriend like your personal property and go back to being the girlfriend of the year by reading our quick guide! By Minot Pettinato-Little
Jealousy is a headache, both to experience from a partner and to deal with on a personal level. It can turn you into the green-eyed-girlfriend you used to hate back when you were sane. Often, those who suffer from the “curse” can sometimes feel more like a lobotomy victim than a romantic partner while in a relationship.
It could be the way you were brought up, or because of insecurity and jealousy – regardless of your reasons, many people suffer from being overly-possessive in relationships. And in turn, the entire relationship suffers.
How to quit being so possessive
So what can you do when you feel like you’ve wandered down the road of the over-possessive girlfriend?
#1 Have a talk. You need to have an honest and open talk about your possessive attitude. If you truly love your partner and understand that you are being too possessive, tell him that. Your partner is going to be more understanding, if you are honest and if they can see that you acknowledge your possessive quality as a problem.
Often, the issue of being possessive has to do with lingering trust issues. If you don’t trust your partner, but you love them, you’re going to feel antsy about having them go out with other people and understandably will want them all to yourself. You will need to be completely open with your partner about these issues, if you ever wish to resolve them.
#2 If he cheats, there’s nothing you can do to stop him. This one is a hard pill to swallow, but if your jealousy has moved on to the point of being possessive then you need to acknowledge one hard fact: you can’t prevent him from cheating.
If a man is set out to cheat, he’ll find a way come hell or high water, and no amount of snooping, telling him “no”, tantalizing sex, thrilling conversations, or emotionally shared moments can prevent this from happening. He’s either going to be a good boy to you, or he isn’t. Acknowledging this, while terrifying, can actually allow you to let go of some of the anxiety you feel with regards to him being around other people.
All relationships are a risk. Take a risk and let your relationship grow instead of cutting it back before it has the chance to blossom. That’s not to say it’s okay if he does cheat. No, no, no! If he cheats, you kick him to the curb and never look back.
#3 Snoop it out of your system. If your possessive attitude means that you get full access to his phone, e-mails, Skype account and overall social media passwords, then you need to grab hold of this addiction and have one final hurrah.
Yes, snooping his social media accounts will let you feel in control and yes, you may get a sense of relief from being able to openly look at his private goings-on. But know this, if you only trust your man because you’re able to check his life behind closed doors, you will never really trust him.
Preventing someone from having a private life is wrong. It’s an invasion of privacy, and it shows a severe lack of respect for the partner that you claim to love. That being said, weaning yourself off of someone’s private socials can be hard. It’s addicting to watch the goings-on from the shadows, like your own personal soap opera. Not to mention it brings you comfort when you see that he hasn’t done anything wrong.
But you do want a relationship based on true trust, don’t you? If your fellah knows you snoop his socials, then tell him that you want to work on building back trust, and that in one week you want him to change all his passwords. Explain to him that you are really trying to change your possessive ways, and kindly request this as a security blanket until you’re adjusted to a non-snooper’s life. Taper down the frequency of your snooping sprees until you finally let go of that nasty habit.
#4 Do a role reversal. It may do you some good to swap the situations. Do you have male friends? If so, would you appreciate your boyfriend telling you that you weren’t allowed to see him any longer just because it didn’t sit well with your guy? As women tend to react emotionally to things, you may want to take a step back and look at the situation, if the roles were reversed. Remember, relationships are about trust and respect. Don’t dish it if you can’t take it.
#5 You had a past, they have a past. For those whose possessive attitude stems from jealousy, you’d do good to remember that he has a past, and so do you. You’ve both been with other people, both made mistakes, both had great sex, both had bad sex – so what? Remind yourself that this is a small part of your relationship now.
Take a night to yourself and go through your old photo-albums. Look at pictures of your ex from when you were 15-years-old, or from just a couple of years ago. This is your life, and you are entitled to your memories, just as he is entitled to his. So the next time you stumble across a sentimental trinket that he’s decided to keep around, take a breath, count to 10, and remember that it was this incredible past he lived that’s made him the incredible man you love today.
#6 Seek therapy. If you feel you’ve tried everything and you still can’t kick your bad habit, you may try seeking some form of therapy, such as couples counselling. And don’t just do it for your relationship, do it for yourself, too. Seeking therapy for deep rooted emotional issues can only help you down the road. Perhaps counselling won’t save this relationship from the damage that’s been done, but it may just prevent you from making the same problems in your next one.
Just because you’ve trotted down the road of the possessive girlfriend doesn’t mean you have to stay there. Take a good, hard look at the reasons behind your actions, and take the appropriate steps to fix it. Jealousy is a bad look, especially on you, so drop the attitude and just go back to being fabulous!
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